No Bravery

I'm Inlisting to the military

2006-12-14T11:05:00.000-08:00

I know it is probably not the best way to tell you all this kind of news, but I also know you were half expecting it. I am about to inlist to the military very soon. In fact I am about to do so on the 15th of February this coming new year.

Yes that is very soon, Ya, I am scared and excited. I mean this is something you know you are going to do since birth in Israel, soliders are a common site here and people who know me also know that I feel joining the military is important to me, even though some of them don't approve of that decision they still accept that it is mine to make.

How am I about to feel in this new setting I have no idea. But I am looking forward to it. It will provide me with the time to decide what I want to do with my future (I'll have about two years to think about it) and the time will also allow me to improve my test scores if I'll choose to do so.

Most of my age group (my classmates and family) are already in the middle of this whole experiance, and I will feel a bit old among all the new recruits, but it is something I feel I have to do, and I don't regret the reason that is making my older - the time I spent in UWC.

Don't worry, I am not in good enough of a shape to get me to the front line =)))
And if it is my sole you are worried about I can assure you I'll always follow my contians =).

2006-11-09T13:40:00.000-08:00

Fucking not good enough!

So I hate it! Fucking seven misrable (ohh!!! I sure hope they are misrable right now or I'll make sure they will be) points!

718 out of 800!

And it is fucking not good enough!
I hate my life! It seems that I never get what I want these days...Bye Bye becoming a doctor (wheeping like you would never imagine for the third hour now).

I feel a bit like Adam and Eve right now, I am presented with this amazing garden and told I can eat whatever I want, but the one thing I do want!

And for those who need translation (don't be ashamed I sometimes need subtitles for my life):
I have good enough of a grade to study whatever the hell I want-except Medicine.

Life is so unfair! (I know far too many exclamation marks in this post, you'll forgive and forget right? I am in a deep emotional distress here).
I don't want anything else...

2006-10-25T09:33:00.000-07:00

No one is going to understand this...

I hate the fact that you are keeping away, I know you said you need to keep this distance because you really see something going on for us in the future. I know I asked you not to hurt me, I know you are trying not to.

But do we have to take it soooo slowly?! It is driving me out of my mind! And than you wonder and feel hurt when I tell you, you are still a stranger...

2006-10-24T03:50:00.000-07:00

Tension drop

I've just finnished one of the main things I had to do since I came back home, I took the Israeli university entracne exam and now all I have to do is enxiously wait for the results. These results will determin once and for all whether I am going to be a doctor (like I've been dreaming ever since I was two years old), or should I adjust to the idea I am going to do something else in my life; and if so-what will that be?

As my friends most know I am teriffied, because I've never thought about any other career direction seriously, but now I am kind of forced to do exactly that. I guess my biggest fear is actually choosing and after studying it finding out that I hate it and don't want to practice it. Or that there is something better, more appealing, more exciting, that I could be doing, and I missed out on it because I wasn't aware it existed. I know this is a stupid thought I've been telling myself that (yes I do have that nasty habit of talking to myself...), but it dosen't make me less anxious. Hopefully things will work out great and I will get the grade that I need to go to med school and all this worrying will be in vain.

I try to cheer myself up by telling myself that in the worst case senario I get to only attend uni for four years insted of the seven orignally planed (The Israeli system works that way you get a degree after four years, unlike in the US where you have to go through under graduate and graduate school).

Thinking of new routs, if anybody has an idea I will be thankful for ever.

2006-09-30T10:16:00.000-07:00

The sad truth

If you were to examine my life you will never believe how unhappy I am. On the surface of things and as the people around me keep on reminding me I have many, if not all, reasons to be happy. You see I just came back from an amazing two years at RCNUWC, a perfectly positioned (between the beautiful fjords of Norway) college where I received the incredible opportunity to live with 299 spectacular (although not always and not all liked by me) people from all over the world. But on to of it all this was a place where I got to experience total freedom where it came to being whom I wanted to be and a unique state of mind accompanied by the support to grow and do as a person. I know it sounds like a cliché but for the first time in my life I didn't feel like I have to act out a persona for my family or for people who untruthfully told me how much they love and admire what I do and who I am, but honestly could not stand the sight of me.

Truth should be told, I wasn't deliriously happy before I left either, although I was a very lucky person, I had/still have many friends who I love (and as much as I know love me), and I was an active person in my school and community which made me very happy, I wasn't deliriously happy because my father who was a truck driver had recently lost his eyesight and became an angry bitter man who used to lash out at everyone, especially at me and my brother. I am a very opinionated person and sparks had to flare between the two of us very often. And often I felt like they flared for no reason (have you ever tried to put the dishes in the dishwasher extremely quietly because the person who was sitting around the house doing nothing all day was bothered by the noise and yelled at you to stop?). So you might say Flekke and RCNUWC was in a way my redemption, my escape. I guess I realized it at the time when I first applied that I am also doing it to escape my reality where I felt I was insignificant and hated (although I don't truly believe I was) although I didn't dare to voice this feeling not even to myself. I didn't believe it when I got in; it seemed too good to be true. Flekke was not always heaven, I had my share of bad times there, but I had a lot more good times and amazing friends whom I will never forget.

It was not until I came back home that I remembered why I wanted to leave to begin with. My dad hasn't changed, actually its not only him, it is everyone in my near family that haven't changed. But I have, oh boy did I change! And they hate it, each and every one of them have it, they hate the person I have become, the hate whatever I feel strongly about and they hate the fact I wouldn't settle for feeling insignificant again. We can't stop fighting ever since I came back, I've been called a self-righteous bitch, a witch and numerous times been told that all of this (meaning the mayhem and drama of my return) are entirely my fault. I thought that maybe I should give it time, I am very different right now and although I don't like to be shouted at I can live with a few months of that treatment if it means a peaceful family but it has been five months now…I thought maybe it is because I am frustrated because I couldn't get a job and I have nothing to do and it is driving me mad, but the truth is I can't wait until I'll have the means to get the hell out of here and get to uni or my own place, but it is nowhere in sight I don't have the money to do so and I am still working about applying to uni.

My mother keeps on being proud of me in front of other people, talking about her wonder child and the fabulous opportunity she received, but behind closed doors she doesn't spare me of the fact that she regrets ever sending me there and claims that I must have terrorized my friends into doing whatever I wanted and being my friends otherwise she can't understand how I survived the last two years. That is the most hurtful thing she could have ever told me-your friends weren't really your friends, you are a bad friend… All of course while I have to keep a straight face in company, and pretend like I am walking on air with happiness after being reunited with my family after long two years. Sadly enough I play the game and walk the walk. And you know what? That turned into a kind of prison, because when everyone around you thinks you are happy you feel the need to keep up the act just to please them, and then you have no one to talk to about how unhappy you are. Who would want to believe you? Who would bother to listen?